Something N Sane This Way Comes
by Bandicoot Sauce
Summary: One-shots based on the N. Sane Trilogy that focus on various characters in turn. May include characters from and references to other Crash games. Rated T because you just know it's gonna get weird at points. I mean, it's written by me. And it's Crash Bandicoot.
1. Phoning It In

**Something N Sane This Way Comes**

 **Note: I reused assets from a Crash fanfic I previously attempted to get this chapter started. I find it easier to write stand-alone one-shots than a multi-chapter arc in a lot of cases. Anyway, hope you enjoy.**

* * *

Phoning It In

The Time Twister orb crackled into being, depositing Coco Bandicoot in the streets of a city in the Saudi Arabia of old. The brainy marsupial girl flicked her blonde ponytail back, shifted the weight of her bright pink laptop so that it rested comfortably under her arm and started off down the street. Fortunately, she had appeared in a less-travelled alley behind a building, so her sudden arrival hadn't attracted unwanted attention. Speaking of unwanted attention, it now occurred to her that a tank top and overalls might not have been the best choice for this time period, especially amidst Arabian culture.

"How does Crash manage to blend in half the time?" Coco murmured to herself. "He doesn't even wear a shirt, let alone a disguise!"

Making her way to the top of a nearby building through a series of flips and jumps, the bandicoot girl could see that the city was already plagued with Lab Assistants in their moronic disguises, trying to blend in by means of equally moronic actions as they searched for the Power Crystal that originated from this time period. One of the big-nosed robotic men was patrolling the wooden footbridge up ahead, swinging a scimitar about as though he had something to prove as he marched back and forth in a turban and cloak, round glasses glinting in the midday sunlight.

Coco shook her head sadly. "This is why you can't depend on technology," she mused, a sly smirk playing at the corners of her mouth as the Lab Assistant turned away, having failed to notice her as of yet. She walked up behind him quietly and tapped him on the shoulder. "Excuse me," she said politely, giving a friendly smile as the hapless minion turned to look at her, "Could you tell me the fastest way to send you screaming into the street below?" Then her gaze turned fierce. "How about with a SPINNING KICK?!" she cried, lashing out with that very move, sending the Lab Assistant stumbling to the edge of the bridge. He wobbled precariously on the edge and Coco pursed her lips, blowing a little _whoosh_ of air in his direction, making the robot lose his balance and careen down out of sight, his scream echoing. He landed with a clattering smash down below, his limbs breaking apart to reveal their metallic nature, crackling with electricity. Coco chuckled, placing her hand on her hip. "Oh, boy!" she exclaimed, shaking her head in amusement. "Whatever Cortex pays for the materials to make these guys, he's getting ripped off. Either that, or he just can't build good robots. 'Oh, look, I have a mask helping me, too'. Well, the more things change, the more they stay-"

Coco stopped talking abruptly when she suddenly became alerted to an odd warbling noise behind her. She whirled around with an alarmed gasp. While she had been making mockery of Cortex's integrity, another of his Lab Assistants had managed to sneak up behind her! This one was dressed as a genie in white robes, complete with a magic carpet that he was riding upon, hovering in midair. Before Coco even had time to react, the fiend raised his arms, grinning maliciously. The marsupial girl was lifted off the ground magically, twirling around and around as she floated up. A large brown ceramic jar appeared beneath her and she began to rotate faster as she rapidly shrunk, descending helplessly into the container. She barely had time to cry out her brother's name in panicked desperation before a lid was slammed onto the jar, bathing her in complete darkness and an unnatural silence...

* * *

Crash was laughing his head off.

"It's not funny!" Coco insisted, watching her brother roll around on the living room floor, doubled over with mirth. The brainy bandicoot's spin-happy sibling hadn't stopped chortling since Coco had returned to the present time, having managed to get herself out of her admittedly embarrassing predicament...

...After about seven hours of waiting.

A young boy clad in a turban and tattered garments, accompanied by his pet monkey, had finally heard her cries for help and let her out. He had thought Coco was a genie and had asked if he could have a wish or three. Not wanting to argue lest she might find herself facing more trouble at the hands of any Lab Assistants in the area, Coco had wildly handed the boy her bright pink smartphone, telling him that it was a magical device that would serve him well. She had left him playing _Angry Birds_ as she escaped into the night, soon returning to her own time period without a Crystal, Gem or Relic to show for herself. Crash, who had woken up from a lazy slumber in time to see the aftermath of Coco's predicament on the Time Twister's monitor, found the whole ordeal hilarious, not least because the Arabian boy's first action with the phone had been to unintentionally take a selfie of himself, becoming momentarily blinded by the flash and stumbing back, somehow managing to fall headfirst into the jar, his legs flailing about wildly until Coco pulled him out. The monkey, displeased at the misfortune Coco had brought upon its master, had then thrown... something unpleasant at Coco, which had splattered all over her face. Back in the present, Coco had just stepped out of the shower, having cleaned herself of the monkey's 'unpleasantness' and then some.

"Are you telling me that you haven't stopped laughing the whole time I was in the shower?" she demanded, placing her hands on her hips, immediately regretting it as the azure blue towel draped around her started to slide down. The brainy bandicoot quickly hoisted it up to keep her chest covered and proceeded to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Crash managed to finally pull himself together after a few more moments, the shirtless hero putting his hands in the pockets of his jeans as he headed off towards the kitchen in search of snacks. Coco had told him not to spoil his dinner, for the pair were heading straight back to the Time Twister after eating, but Crash was Crash, and Crash never could say no to a veritable truckload of Wumpa fruit between meals. It was a wonder he was as skinny as he was.

Coco got dressed in some clean clothes, making sure her tank top hung down to her navel and that the straps of her light blue overalls rested comfortably on her shoulders. She sat down on the edge of her bed and pulled on her pink sneakers, tying the laces in decidedly exquisite bows. She then went to the mirror that overlooked her dresser drawer and brushed her blonde hair, wondering if she ought to let it hang down just to be different. Deciding against it, she tied her hair back into its usual ponytail, attaching her flower decoration smartly. She then pulled the topmost drawer out of the dresser and grabbed her spare smartphone, feeling no concern for her previous one. That Arabian boy's phone would no doubt have run out of power by now, not least because that was several hundred years ago from Coco's current perspective. The device would've been discarded or forgotten, lost amidst decades worth of museum-worthy trinkets and the like.

Coco pressed a button on the phone she now held and it beeped. She smiled before holding it up, pulling the silliest face she could muster with her tongue lolling out, and snapping a selfie. She then immediately took a step back, tripped over something that rested on the floor behind her and fell, landing on her bottom with a slight grunt of pain.

"Wow, that flash really _is_ bright, isn't it?" she mused aloud, reaching behind her to pick up Crash's bazooka. Coco scoffed. "Typical. Leaves it lying around, loaded and everything. And what's it doing in my room?"

 _Earlier…_

"I don't think we should be playing around with Coco's spare phone, Crash," Aku Aku said as he watched the spin-happy bandicoot hold the phone up in one hand, his bazooka propped up on his shoulder. He snapped a photo of himself, the flash startling him into firing the bazooka. A Wumpa fruit flew at mach speed across Coco's bedroom and smashed through the window. Mortified, Crash hurried over, drew the curtains across to conceal the damaged glass and quickly left the room, whistling nonchalantly.

* * *

 **I know selfie jokes are not very imaginative, but after seeing Coco pull that face in-game, I just had to incorporate it into a fanfic.**

 **Stay tuned for more one-shots, including some that focus on the villains!**

 **Oh, and just a head's up: When I use the term 'bandicoot' in lowercase, I'm referring to the species as a whole. When I spell it with a capital B, I'm referring to one of the Bandicoot siblings by surname.**


	2. Bar For The Course

The tavern was fairly quiet. Only two or three people were present aside from Nitrus Brio himself, the man in question using his prized test tubes to measure out the perfect gin to tonic ratio. The former lab partner of Neo Cortex hummed along to the classical music emanating softly from the jukebox in the corner. This was how the alchemical genius liked it - a nice, quiet atmosphere for an evening of tending bar.

The moonlight that filtered through the tavern's entrance, glinting off the metal bolts on either side of Brio's oval-shaped bald head, was suddenly blocked out as a figure stepped up to the saloon-esque gates, casting a tall shadow across the floor of wooden planks. The figure pushed her way past the gates and started to stride slowly and deliberately across the tavern. The other patrons turned to stare at this newcomer as she made her way towards the bar, her pale features contrasted by her dark hair, which was short and spiky, and her black make-up. She wore a red tie over a dark trench coat, her skirt short and somewhat macabre-looking. Gothic combat boots adorned her feet, but it was her hands that really stood out.

Synthetic appendages of stainless steel, curled into metallic fists of deepest, darkest black.

The gothic teenage girl stepped up to the bar, Brio making note of the metallic lowercase 'n' in the middle of her forehead.

"Diet soda," the girl said curtly. "On the rocks."

Brio said nothing at first, only working the taps on the drink kegs to prepare this curiously sinister patron's requested order. As he served her the drink, he finally addressed her directly. "So, to what do I owe the p-p-pleasure, Nina Cortex?" the man in the green jumpsuit enquired casually, showing no sign of being intimidated despite of his usual stutter.

"The pleasure's all mine, N. Brio," Nina stated so very calmly, her tone all but devoid of emotion. "How's business?"

"Good enough."

Silence fell for a long moment after that, Nina taking a long sip of her drink while Brio wiped the inside of another test tube with a (mostly) clean cloth. One of the other patrons, a young man only a few years older than Nina, came over and sat down beside her. His posture and the look on his face made it clear that he was quite intoxicated.

"Hey, tall, dark and good-looking," he slurred. "I lost my - _hic_ \- I lost my phone number. Wanna give me - _hic_ \- yours?"

Nina turned to him, giving a smile as cold as the grave. "Why mince words through calls and texts? Let's just sit here and hold hands for a bit and maybe something will happen."

The young man smiled cluelessly, holding out his hand. Nina took it gently, but her touch didn't remain gentle for long. The drunken teen's eyes widened in horror, his mouth opening in a soundless scream of absolute anguish. Brio could actually hear the snap and crackle of breaking bones, but he neither said nor did anything to stop what was going on. If someone was stupid enough to get on the wrong side of Nina Cortex, it was their own fault.

The young man slid off his barstool and collapsed onto the floor as Nina released him, having momentarily passed out from the pain. His right hand looked positively mangled, fingers severely disjointed and dislocated. Nina finished her drink and then proceeded to tip the ice cubes at the bottom of the glass onto the boy's injured hand. He instantly came to his senses and let out an ear-splitting screech as the cold and weight of the ice respectively stung and battered his already delicate fingers. He suddenly leapt up and ran for it, turning to glance back at Nina from the bar entrance. She blew him a kiss with one hand and raised a metallic middle finger with the other. The boy just whimpered and hurried away, disappearing into the night.

"You r-really have a way with people," Brio said nonchalantly, raising one of his bushy eyebrows knowingly.

"I have _my_ way with people," Nina corrected him, looking at her fingers casually. She lazily flexed them, producing a sound not unlike that of bedsprings creaking softly. "So, what do I owe you?"

"Oh, n-not much. Just give your uncle a good b-b-boot up the rear from me," Brio declared, starting to laugh maniacally. Nina laughed as well; a cold, sadistic laugh. The kind of laugh a killer might utter before delivering the finishing strike.

The jukebox suddenly let out a loud noise that sounded like a record being scratched. When it settled, it started playing N. Brio's theme music, causing the remaining patrons other than Nina to glance up, looking a little surprised at the sudden change in atmosphere.

"This song again?" Nina asked aloud. "Don't any of these bars have _good_ music?"

Brio scoffed. "I _invented_ good music!" he insisted. "I invented the very _concept_ of good music, for I was in-"

"Don't say it."

"-The first GAAAAAME!"

"Oy vey," Nina declared, rolling her eyes. "I think the fumes of whatever you use to clean those test tubes have gone to your head."

"Who says I actually _clean_ these things?" Brio jeered before quickly clasping a hand over his own mouth. Too late. The other patrons looked at their drinking glasses apprehensively, set them down on the tables and made their exits quickly and quietly. Nina snickered, sounding like a pig snorting. Brio glared at her.

"See you in the evil funny pages," Nina said with a flair of malicious mischief as she got up and walked out, cackling.

"You…! You won't get away with this!" Brio spluttered. "This isn't the end! I _invented_ endings! Oh, w-why won't anyone take me seriously…?"

Brio then noticed another figure walking past the tavern's entrance, casting another familiar shadow on the scene. There was no mistaking that shadow.

Crash Bandicoot spun on the spot, just enjoying the night air as he walked along.

He had no idea that N. Brio was watching him, a mad look in the man's eye.

He had no idea that Brio was about to take out his frustrations at Nina on the bandicoot boy.

N. Brio rummaged through the cupboards under the bar, pulled out a vial of green serum and downed it in one gulp.

"RRROAWRRR!"

 _THUD, THUD, THUD, THUD, THUD, THUD…_

"Whoa!" Crash exclaimed as the hulking form of Brio's mutated state burst out of the tavern, having smashed through the wall to get at the spin-happy hero. Crash turned and ran, Brio rampaging along a short distance behind.

Nearby, Nina leant against the wall of another building, chuckling.

"So easy to create a stir," she mused, closing her eyes and shaking her head in satisfied amusement. "That'll teach them not to invite me into the _N. Sane Trilogy_."

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 **I told you these were going to get weird. Well, I guess this one wasn't so much weird as it was just plain nuts.**

 **I hope the sudden shift in this chapter's tone didn't put anyone off. I like my stories to be somewhat unpredictable, even if that means sacrificing plot for the sake of sheer entertainment. And what could be more absurdly entertaining than N. Brio tending bar, as alluded to in the 'true' ending of Crash 1?**

 **Stay tuned for more wacky one-shots!**


	3. To Lite The Way

To Lite The Way

The crickets chirped from their hiding places in the lush greenery that lined the sandy path, the full moon shining down from above. A light breeze ruffled Tawna's flowing blonde hair and she shivered slightly. A part of her wondered if she ought to have worn more than just her usual pink tank top and decidedly short blue shorts. There was no telling how chilly the plains of Egypt could get at night.

"Remind me again why I let you talk me into coming out here?" she said, turning to her fellow bandicoot as he walked in stride with her, shirtless as ever. Crash carried a lit wooden torch in one hand, his sneakers leaving footprints in the sand as he walked. Tawna glanced down at her own sneakers. They were the same brand. Their choice of footwear was probably the only thing the two bandicoots had in common. Well, that and an understandable dislike for Neo Cortex and those allied with him.

And yet, Crash and Tawna somehow managed to get along. They were good friends - not quite boyfriend and girlfriend, but still admittedly close with a certain deep respect and admiration for one another.

That is, when they were both acting mature.

Tawna was a grown woman. A young woman, yes, but still an adult, and while Crash was also a young adult, he had always seemed like more of a boy than a man, and his boyish side often made him a handful to be associated with. That's not to say there wasn't a certain adorable charm to him, but even so…

In response to the lady bandicoot's words, Crash glanced at her, flashing a knowing smirk. Tawna hated that smirk. it was the smirk he wore to give her the impression that he knew something she didn't. Something that was quite obvious. Something about _her_ , usually. Tawna turned away, sticking her nose up in the air in that stuck-up, spoilt princess sort of way. Crash chuckled quietly to himself as he continued walking, but then he suddenly stopped dead in his tracks and held out his arm to halt Tawna. She flinched slightly, her male consort holding the torch up so that the flame was right in front of her face. He obviously hadn't noticed this, and following Crash's gaze, Tawna could plainly see why.

An enormous acid green cobra was slithering back and forth across the beaten path just a few feet away, occasionally poking out its long tongue with a reptilian hiss. Tawna felt the colour drain out of her face underneath her orange fur. Her instincts told her to grab Crash's arm, cling onto him for protection, but she didn't. It wasn't the sheer loathsomeness of depending on a man for protection that stopped her, but rather the common sense to know that snakes were less likely to attack someone that didn't move.

Not that Tawna could've moved even if she had wanted to. The snake was big enough to coil right around her and perhaps crush the life out of her. She was frozen to the spot with fear.

The lady bandicoot suddenly became aware that Crash was moving, running headlong into close proximity of the snake. It saw him and raised its head, hissing viciously, venom dripping from its long, sharp fangs that looked like they could puncture bone. It struck as Crash approached and Tawna shrieked out Crash's name in panic, fearing the worst, but at the same moment the snake lunged forward, Crash broke into a whirling spin attack, meeting the serpent head on. There was a bizarre ricochet-like noise and the snake was suddenly shooting off into the distance as though it had been shot out of a cannon. Crash stood where the snake had been, the torch having fallen from his hand, now lying on the sand, the flame having gone out. Tawna, on her part, was breathing heavily, shaken up by the excitement.

"Is that what you wanted to show me?" she managed at last, her forced tone of irritation sounding rather shaky. "That you could cheat death with a snake? Because I _swear_ , Crash Bandicoot…" She bit her lip, her eyes moving to the extinguished torch. "And what about that? The path's a lot darker up ahead."

Crash shrugged, as if he wasn't worried. He turned and continued along the path. Tawna groaned, exasperated and, not least because of the snake, downright nervous. Reluctantly, she followed after the spin-happy bandicoot, who now had his hands in the pockets of his blue jeans as he walked.

"Coco told me you once time travelled to a past version of this area, so I figured that meant you had at least _some_ idea of what we were getting into!" the young woman exclaimed, trying to sound angry, but still coming off as anxious and uneasy.

Crash stopped at the edge of the next section of the sandy walkway, which was positively enveloped in dark shadow. Tawna stared at it apprehensively. For as evolved as humanoid bandicoots were, they couldn't see in the dark under their own power.

"I'm not going down there," she declared, coming to a stop and folding her arms, giving Crash a firm look. "It's too dark to see without a torch. We should turn back."

Crash turned back and smiled knowingly at her. He brought his arm into view and there, fluttering above his gloved palm, was a little winged bug that glowed with a gentle light. Tawna grimaced. She didn't like bugs very much.

"Sure you wouldn't rather turn back?" the lady bandicoot asked in a mumble of discomfort. Crash wasn't looking at her, appearing to be softly whispering to the light bug. Whatever he was saying, Tawna couldn't hear so much as a whisper - another thing about Crash that annoyed her. The bandicoot boy scarcely said a word to anyone for any reason. He just liked to be silent, apparently. Tawna's annoyance changed to mild worry as the bug began to flutter away from Crash and over to her. The young woman took a step back, her eyes widening slightly. The light bug landed gently atop her flowing blonde hair, its gossamer wings making it look almost like an accessory.

Tawna shook her head furiously, trying to shake the bug off, but the little insect seemed untroubled by the sudden motion. Tawna moaned. No doubt whatever Crash had been telling the bug involved annoying her to the utmost.

"Okay, very funny, Crash!" she cried, giving him another warning look. "Now, get this thing off me!"

Crash gave a toothy grin and shook his head, turning and stepping into the darkness, another light bug flying out of the brush to accompany him. Tawna exhaled through the nose, producing a faint trace of steam.

"Darn you, Crash Bandicoot," she muttered under her breath before she suddenly jerked forward, crying out in alarm as she did so. Her movement had not been voluntary; it felt as though the light bug was tugging at her hair to make her move along the path. "Craaaaash!" she shrieked as she was forced to break into a run, for it was only at speed that the bug would sit idle and do nothing more than provide light. Tawna swiftly jogged past Crash, the male bandicoot chuckling as he broke into a run and chased after her, soon cutting past her, using his 'Crash Dash' power-up to amp up his speed. Realising what her companion was up to, Tawna buckled down and sprinted forward, running as fast as she could, her admittedly ample chest bobbing up and down as she went faster and faster, racing through the darkness, leaping over pits, ducking under the low-hanging ceilings of the temple ruins that occasionally dotted the natural path and smartly zig-zagging around Nitro crates.

The two bandicoots playfully kept trying to overtake one another, both starting to laugh - Tawna especially as she found herself finally having fun. Crash suddenly skidded to a halt, however, Tawna ahead of him. She turned to look back at him, poking her tongue out in a childish manner, but her amusement quickly faded as her foot, rather than connecting with solid ground, met with thin air as it started to descend into the pit that the blonde bandicoot hadn't noticed while looking back to taunt Crash. Tawna cried out in alarm, finding herself hopelessly falling forward. The light bug clinging to her hair suddenly sprung into action, tugging at the girl's locks and beating its wings furiously. For the briefest of moments, the little insect actually managed to hold Tawna up before its strength gave out and the lady bandicoot found herself falling once more.

That brief moment was all Crash needed, however. From what seemed like out of nowhere to Tawna, his gloved hand caught hold of her wrist and just like that, Crash was pulling his girl upright, helping to steady her before she suddenly collapsed into his arms, trembling. A little surprised, Crash then smiled warmly, gently patting Tawna on the back comfortingly.

"Th-Thanks, big guy," Tawna managed to say as she stepped away, offering a weak but grateful smile. She flicked a strand of her blonde hair out of her face. "Oh!" she than said in surprise as the little light bug detached from her hair and began to fly away into the darkness. Right then, the dark path was suddenly bathed in light as the moon reached its peak in the sky.

Crash looked at Tawna.

Tawna looked at Crash.

They both grinned and pulled each other into a hug - one that gave Crash a very up close and personal experience with Tawna's ample chest.

"Y'know, you're not all that bad, hero," Tawna declared as she let go. She reached up and playfully ruffled Crash's mohawk. "Come on. Let's keep going."

As the two bandicoots continued down the path, hand in hand with one another, the light bug that had been with Tawna went and perched on a stone pillar nearby. The pillar had several ancient Egyptian drawings on it.

Including an image of two animalistic Pharaohs holding hands as they strode towards a great Power Crystal that awaited at the end of the path, a little shining bug hovering over the couple…

* * *

 **They say that history is often doomed to repeat itself, but in this case, I think it'll turn out just fine for our beloved marsupial and company. (:**

 **Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Stay tuned for more.**


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